Friday, October 5, 2007

so paranoid. and so violated.

what is the worst thing that could happen to me today? this is the question I asked my mom, my sister, and kari. because the worst thing that COULD have happened DID happen to me today. now granted their answers -- your house burned down, you wrecked your car, your new puppy died -- were horrible, horrible things -- but this is worse. so way worse.

the kids and I took our little fur-ball pictured below out for a potty break. I sat on the porch stairs... just like I always do. so... right after sitting down, Hailey points and says "mom there's a BIG worm!" I look down. HOLY FREAKING *@#$(*!@#()$*!@)#(%*!)(@*#$()@#*!!!!!!!! It was a snake. Right there. Less than one inch from my left foot. I have never NEVER EVER EVER EVER reacted so irrationally in my life. I said things that shouldn't be said. I screamed. I pulled my hair. I ran to the middle of the drive-way which is the only place I thought I might be safe. (I couldn't get back inside -- the snake was right there by the porch by the door.) I seriously had full body convulsions. There is nothing in this world that I am more TERRIFIED of. Seriously. I can't believe this happened.

Andrew arrived home moments later. Of course, he was curious as to WHAT in the HECK could be going on. I told him. His reaction -- to go find the ?*!@)#(*$!)@(#*% thing (which had slithered into a tiny crack between the sidewalk and garden box) -- carry it to the large field next to our home -- and let it free. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! Kill that sucker. Snakes die!

So now I am rethinking this house. I am willing to put it on the market tomorrow. And I am equally willing to tell every potential buyer that the reason that we are selling is SNAKES. Because no one should be tormented in this way.

The end.


Chelsea said...

I don't blame you..I hate 'em too...with a deep passion!!
I think you should name the snake, even if he is dead, after your old high school crush whom you now hate! It always works for me :)

JLJ said...

I can't believe you yelled in front of your kids. What a bad mom. I would never do a thing like that.

Tori said...

ha ha!~ did you say swears?? snakes are grose and just unnatural... I would've about acted the same way!!

Shayne said...

Poor little snake. Good thing you went to the middle of the driveway. We all know how snakes HATE middles of driveways.